I am Just One Voice

11/21/2005 - Hypocritical or Pragmatic?

So... I've started a Live Journal account. Yeah yeah, I've railed against LJ in the past, mostly due to the immense popularity of the site, but also due to the drama that has sprung from the bowels of it's too-much-time-on-their-hands crowd. The decision to move over stems mostly from a couple things:

1 - I'm a little tired of writing simple html in order to post something.

2 - I was looking into implementing a blog-style interface here anyways, but have thus far been unable to devote the time necessary to make it as spiffy as I'd like.

3 - The option for readers to leave comments is actually kinda nifty.

So there... my three reasons for creating an LJ account. If you want, therefore, to continue reading what is, or is not, going on in my life, you will have to go here.

7/6/2005 - No, it's not me...

Really, it isn't.

6/17/2005 - WTF??

Florida. Fucking Florida. Come to think of it, why doesn't the DA investigate why my brother died of cancer?

Not to get mired down in rhetoric, but fuck anyone with the name of Bush. These dipshit-fuckwad-boneheaded-unevolved-fearmongering-pindick-mediagrubbing-arseholes all need to be... well, you know. *wink*wink*

4/11/2005 - A correction

I mentioned in my last post that the US was founded by Christians. I stand corrected. Thanks to Andy for posting this a few weeks back. Dunno how I missed it.

4/8/2005 - Tom Delay and "judicial tyranny"

Interesting/frightening article in the NY Times about Tom Delay's crusade against judges making, you know, judgements. Here's a quote from the article:

'Mr. DeLay alluded to Congressional authority to "set the parameters" of courts' jurisdictions and its obligation "to make sure the judges administer their responsibilities."

The organizers of the conference and Congressional staff members who spoke there called for several specific steps: impeaching judges deemed to have ignored the will of Congress or to have followed foreign laws; passing bills to remove court jurisdiction from certain social issues or the place of God in public life; changing Senate rules that allow the Democratic minority to filibuster Mr. Bush's appeals court nominees; and using Congress's authority over court budgets to punish judges whom it considers to have overstepped their authority.'

The conference referred to in the quote is entitled "Confronting the Judicial War on Faith", which concludes today. The stated goal of the conference is to address the issue of "judicial tyranny".

Now, I'm all for a good old fashioned exchange of ideas. Debate and dissent are two concepts enshrined within the constitution that I can really get behind. So I don't really mind too much when people express disatisfaction with actions of certain members within the government. Hell, I do it all the time.

But... when the form of that dissent comes in threats to limit judicial independence and oversight of the legislature, as the judiciary was constitutionally intended to do, we have a problem.

We also have a problem with the section of the quote that I put in bold. They're talking about taking away the judicial review process of any law that specifically mentions God or the Christian religion, even obliquely. That is to say that one could pass a law stating that, since it's forbidden in Leviticus, no one shall eat shellfish upon pain of death. Since we've invoked the word of the lord within the law, it is no longer subject to judicial review.

What kills me over and over again is that this country, while founded by Christians, was also founded by people who were ostracized because of their religious beliefs. The constitution was specifically created to ensure that no one would be beholden to another's religious dogma. The judicial was created to ensure that this and all tenets of the constitution were not run rough-shod over by the legislative or executive branches. Checks and balances, kids.

So I understand Tom Delay. I understand his anger at the judiciary. It is the only thing standing between him and a theocracy.

4/8/2005 - The Pirate invasion has begun

The Pirate takeover has begun. My only question is... how will the ninjas react?

Only time will tell.

4/4/2005 - This is what I mean

Take a look at the wording of this poll from SF Gate:

I think this is simultaneously hilarious and pathetic.

3/24/2005 - Fer fuck's sake, people!

Okay, now... repeat after me:

mute - to make quiet, as in: "He put the stereo on mute in order to hear the phone more easily."

moot - unimportant or irrelevent, as in: "Any mention of entertainment is moot when discussing baseball."

Do we get it now? Do we fucking get it?!? No? Try this:

irregardless - DOESN'T FUCKING EXIST! Literally, it means "with regards to", which is the opposite of the most often intended usage ("regardless"). From now on, I reserve the right to beat the liviing shit out of every person who says this word. They are not allowed to obfuscate or retaliate, especially because they don't know what these words mean.

And while we're on the subject of literally, let's all try to use it when we really mean it. Telling me that there "were literally a million people at the concert last night" only proves to me that you're a fucking moron. Literally means actually. It means you counted all those people at the concert and came up with a number at least seven digits long. If there weren't seven digits in that number, it wasn't literally.

Yeah, English is kinda messed up. But if you can't figure out the whole your, you're, and yore thing, I've got no sympathy. Yeah, to and too are a bit tricky, but would it take too much trouble for you to fucking learn it?

While you're at it, learn the differences between these ones as well:

effect and affect

here and hear

sale and sell

accept and except

you and illiterate

That is all.

2/17/2005 - Justice

On a tiny scale, but justice nevertheless.

1/24/2005 - Keep it on the down low

I've wondered more than once about the possible consequences of keeping a blog/journal. I have, on more than one occasion, noted to a coworker that I do have a website, and I've even gone to the extreme of actually telling someone the url. This isn't really a big deal, because the contents of my journal are hardly ever about people and are never about work (excepting the occasional whining about wanting a new job). Even so, it's difficult to know exactly who is watching, and what they are thinking.

If I've learned anything in my online travels, it's that the internet is a place where the successful use of sarcasm relies heavily upon the audience. There are times when I feel I'm being extremely heavy-handed with the sarcasm, only to find that some yokel took me dead serious, and now wants to know why in the hell anyone would want to have sex with dead chipmunks. Things like that can spin out of control faster than you can say "necro-bestial fetishist".

So I typically try to keep the sarcasm somewhat at bay, because you never know which twit is going to come along and be dense at you.

Back to the blog/journal/whatever the hell this thingy is. I can be all nice and sarcastic in here because I'm (mainly) writing this thing for myself. Strange that I have to do this online, but perhaps the thought that people are expecting me to use this site for something is motivational. Yet, in writing this for myself, I ignore the truth that this is online; fully accessible to anyone who happens to stumble upon it. Do a Google search on NoiseGoth and *bing* here you are (with the exception of this twit who's fucking up my action).

I digress. The purpose of this journal is for me to be myself, to keep track of my activities, to impart a few words of wisdom or triviality. It's not here to bitch about my friends or coworkers... this is not an engine for drama. It's just me being me... sarcastic, cynical, irrepressibly vain. If I get fired for revealing that much about myself, well, shame on them for taking so damn long to notice.

1/20/2005 - The PC shuffle

There are people who enjoy collecting for the sake of collecting. An excellent example of this is stamp collecting. The USPS last year introduced 19 lines of commemorative stamps... a total of 55 unique stamps. Revenue from these products was around $2 Billion USD, almost equal to the GDP of the Most Serene Republic of San Marino. All for something for people to collect, which will eventually be discarded by their uninterested relatives once they are dead.

So... why is it I throw these numbers around? Simple. I currently own five computers; six if you include the PS2. This may seem a large amount, and I'm not even sure how things came to this, yet it's the truth. It seems absurd, of course. I usually only use one at a time, so what the hell am I doing with five?

Collecting, duh.

Look at it this way. Collectible stamps, which cost the usual $0.37 each, generated $2 Billion. Personal computers, which cost on average around $600, generated over $200 billion last year. In that light, there is very little difference between me and that disgustingly engaged family in the USPS stamp collecting ads. Okay, so about $5.50 different, but that's not the point.

I suppose Jade might make the case that this doesn't excuse my little-old-cat-lady-like relationship with computers. But they keep me warm, provide a little company, and accept me for who I am. Oh, and I get to kill people.

Can your stamps do that?

1/14/2005 - A new year

Arrr, matey! Yes, I know it's not National Speak Like A Pirate Day, but sometimes you just gotta say "arrr!"

Nothing much to report, really. Lots to report, actually, but I don't have the time at the moment. Why the hell am I posting at all, you wonder. No reason. Just felt like saying hello.

Oh, and arrrrr!!

11/10/2004 - Why context matters

The beauty is in the caption. Yes, it's juvenile but right now regression is a comfort zone for me.

11/3/2004

We are soooooooooo fuct.

11/2/2004 - Please...

Please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please.

10/8/04

As the memorial approaches, I find it increasingly difficult to concentrate on those things which have effectively kept me distracted for the past several days. I occasionally find myself staring into my monitor or at the beige walls of my cubicle without regard for anything going on around me. If that weren't bad enough, it seems my tear glands have wills of their own, and I can't go a day without some random assault of tears blurring my vision, interrupting a meeting or a conversation.

They say these things pass with time, and it is for that reason I look forward to this Sunday. There are things to be said and heard; a final leave-taking to be completed. Perhaps in those moments I can capture and retain something of what made Nick a wholly unique force in my life. Perhaps then I could be convinced to let the rest go.

9/23/2004 - Coping in the Information Age

The second most difficult thing about dealing with Nick's death (behind the actual event itself) is having to communicate it to those who may not have heard through other avenues. Coworkers heard it from my boss, who received the phone call from me that I wouldn't be returning to work for some time. Family friends heard it through the usual grapevine.

Then there are the others... my own friends who didn't know Nick and wouldn't have heard it through the grapevine. They all live in different cities at some distance. Do I call them? No... that would take far more emotional energy than I possess, and it's unfair to dump news like that on someone whose immediate response would tend towards tongue-tied sympathy rather than honest grief. Do I expect them to check this website? No... besides being incredibly impersonal, I doubt any of my friends check this website even close to regularly. Sending a mass email seemed like the only solution to the dilemma.

The first difficulty presented in writing an email is the subject line. "My brother died" seemed to be slightly too shocking, while "some news" seemed vague and wishy-washy. I finally decided upon "To my friends", hoping this would convey an important message without fully revealing the import or subject.

Next, I had to broach the actual news. I could conceive of no easy way to handle this without either rambling on too long without getting to the point, or coming off as uncaringly brusque. I went for the latter, as it's easier to get bad news out of the way and follow it with more appropriately remorseful language later. Also influencing this decision was my desire to share, just slightly, the anger and pain I was going through... a transgression I hope my friends will forgive.

Unfortunately, I didn't have everyone's email address so some stragglers found out in other ways. One unfortunate soul found out on Instant Messenger (sorry, Erin), a difficult medium to work with at best.

I am grateful that there are so many ways to communicate these days. It used to be that only with some seriously expensive phone calls and a few well-placed written letters would most people hear of an event such as this. With the magic of the internet, we can now ruin our friends' days with the click of a mouse.

9/17/2004 - A "potentially fatal complication"

On Thursday, September 16th at 10:05 am, Nicholas Garrett Ware died in Stanford Medical Center due to complications from a hitherto successful bone marrow transplant. He was 34 years old.

Nick was my oldest brother, and like all younger brothers, I hero-worshiped him. He was everything I hoped to be; motivated, intelligent, loyal, devoted, passionate. He was many things I was as well; cynical, self-possessed, self-absorbed. He loved sports, science, wine, travel, and music. He took no prisoners in the game of life, and expected nothing less from those around him. He was difficult to like yet easy to love.

Nick left for college when I was 13, so he missed my formative high school and college years. His return to the bay area some 11 years later precipitated the rebirth of our relationship. In the past three years he and I talked more than we ever had; discussed our hopes and fears and frustrations. We talked over childhood events and placed them in their proper context. We contrasted our experiences and reactions, only to discover we were alike in many ways that we’d never considered. In the past three years, I finally began to know my brother. Yesterday, I held his hand and watched him die.

I cannot express how difficult the last three days have been. I am just now coming to the realization that there will be no more talks; there will be no more discoveries to share. And I am also gradually learning to appreciate the little time we did have together.

I love you Nick. Sleep well.

9/3/2004 - Saudi Arabia? Bad? Nooooo!

I am very happy to report that this report does not include the words "Saddam" or "Iraq". Let's hope one or two undecideds out there read it and begin to wonder... why?

8/19/2004 - noisegoth.com gets bootylicious

So I was messing about today on Yahoo!s domain registration system. If the domain name you choose is already registered, it suggests a possible available alternative. While browsing the alternatives for my current domain, I was shocked and slightly pleased to note that mid-way down the list was the tantalizing suggestion of www.gothicbooty.com.

It took many minutes for me to talk myself down from registering it, and I make no guarantees that I won't. The temptation is huge.

8/10/2004 - Holy twisted logic, Batman!

I have come to the startling conclusion that many people actually think Bush is a good President. Worse, some of these people might vote this November.

This frightens me to no end.

2/09/2004 - Put your crucifix in the upright position

Another WTF moment brought to you by American Airlines. They love to fly Christians, and it shows.

Here's a New York Times article that goes a bit further in discussing what may, and may not, be considered an acceptable deviation from the standard "keep your safety belt fastened at all times" speech.

2/05/2004 - Terrain-mapping pigeons

This article just may be the most depressing thing I've read in quite a while.

1/28/2004 - WTFHYB?

So, where the fuck have I been? Great question. Wish I could come up with some halfway convincing account of having single-handedly wrested Democracy from the evil clutches of a deranged, xenophobic dictator but, alas, G.W. remains in the White House (named thus mostly for its habit of housing only, you guessed it, white folk) with nary a democratic process in sight. I suppose a more plausible story is that I was taken away by our friends at the Department of Homeland Security and questioned about subversive comments I've made online and in the flesh. I'm positive that expressing a desire to participate in a fair election process is a hangin' o'fense in this country these days, as much as bringing a plastic knife to school, owning an almanac, or being a Brazilian on vacation in the US.

Sadly, I don't fall under any of these categories, so I must admit that the DHS is not interested in me. No, my absence cannot be explained by such fanciful ideas.

I had a legitimate reason, at first. Immediately upon my return from Wales, the amount of time I spent at work increased enormously. I was working 12 hour days, occasionally on Saturdays as well. The last thing I wanted to do then after a long day in front of a computer was come home and sit in front of the computer.

Sound plausible? Didn't think so. I wasn't convinced either. It all boils down to procrastination. I sat down and wrote three separate updates, but none of them, for various reasons, ever made it onto this site. Ah, well... what can ya do?

So, I hope to gather those updates up like so many stray cats, feed them, pet them, and generally give 'em the love and support they need. Then, when they recover from being abandoned so callously, I'll post them here so they can begin new lives on this page. So long as they don't shred the drapes or piss on the carpet I think this will work out fine.

So expect those long-lost updates here within a week or so.

11/13/2003 - Across the other pond

So, I'll be in Cardiff, Wales for the next week. Woo-hoo. Work is sending me there to hasten a project along at our mfg facility. I'll be able to do a bit of pub-crawling whle there, so expect at least a couple anecdotes when I return. Until then, check this out (takes quite a while to load, but very well worth it). Thanks, Andy!

11/03/2003 - Threats to World Peace

Hahahahaha!!! It's amazing that people are clamoring to denounce this poll. How is it politicians can ignore public opinion so readily if they are faced with the fact that they are at odds with opinion?

Anyways, don't forget to read the inset. We're Number Two! We're Number Two!

10/27/2003 - Computers, fires

If events go as planned, I will have yet another computer in my small apartment. Yeah, Jade's gonna freak, but I really want this one. I'm even willing to sell off the Desknote for this one. Shocker. What, you ask, could make me so excited about another friggin' computer? What could possibly be missing among my four current boxes?

A customized Mini-ITX media server.

I'm still in the feasibility/concept phase at this point. The end result will be a very small system that serves not only mp3/ogg/aac audio and mpeg video, but DVD as well. I haven't decided fully if this system will be in a pre-built box, or if I'm gonna go the custom enclosure route. I'd prefer to do the latter, and I've got a couple ideas about what exactly I'd do. The former, however, would get me up and running much more quickly. The sticking point of the project is cash. I've got this car payment that I'm getting used to, so my bank account always looks much lower than I'm used to.

For now, I'll assume I'm going to go the custom route. I can always pull back if that becomes prohibitively expensive. I'll be sure to post progress here if this gets off the ground. I plan on documenting the whole project and eventually I'll have it online.

I've been watching coverage of the San Diego fires with Jade's father, Ed, who's been stranded in SF due to airline cancellations. Some of the pictures are staggeringly humbling. I'm once again reminded that we are nobody and nothing in the face of such forces. We're all a bit anxious about the fires. Jade's sister's home is pretty much surrounded, though she hasn't yet been told to evacuate. Ed is concerned about his home and he's constantly online, checking pictures of neighborhoods and maps of wind patterns. This all brings back memories of the Oakland hills fires of last decade, though that lasted less than 24 hours. This is an entirely different animal.

LOL... this just in. Watching CNN, and they occasionally check in via phone with their airline specialist about airline traffic into and out of the San Diego area. He just came on and announced that all flights into SD have been cancelled. Ed and I share exasperated shrugs as the line goes quiet... until we hear the correspondent say to someone else in the office, quite distinctly, "Howard Stern rules, you bitch!" The picture immediately cuts to the flustered female anchor as she apologizes for the comments over the open line, apparently for the second time today. Love that live TV.

10/22/2003 - Wrong genes

It's conclusive: I have useless genes. So say the HLA blood tests I was subjected to last week. My sister is equally useless, so now our hopes in finding a bone marrow donor lie with Justin, who's in Japan practicing his breathing and trying to figure out how to send blood back to California. We've all had our fingers crossed for some time... it'll be nice to know one way or another. I honestly don't know what Nick's options are if Justin doesn't prove to be a match. It's a shame my parents weren't strict Catholics... the odds might have been improved considerably.

Tonight, Jade and I go to see the ACT performance of Waiting for Godot. This is the first of four plays we subscribed to for this season. I tell ya, dating a student has some surprising perks. I wonder if she can get us cheap tickets to Eric Idle.

10/14/2003 - Work sucks, VNV spins

So it's definitely time to start looking for a new job. Wish I could truly put my finger on the precise rationale behind this decision, but all I've got to go on is a general feeling of depression every time I step into the place. I slide into my work chair the way alcoholics slide into a drunken stupor.

Fortunately, there are bright spots in life that keep me going. Last night Jade, Devin, and I went to Death Guild for the VNV Nation DJ tour. I actually got some dancing in, which was surprising even to me. I wasn't really in the mood, but Mark's set was amazing, and I couldn't resist the urge. There was great energy in the room... just slightly less pretentious than the average night at Death Guild, which was a welcome breath of fresh air. Mark and Ronan are very cool in person, and were genuinely thrilled by their reception. Chatted a bit with Mark ("Play some Scooter!!"), and met Ronan briefly. Heard some disappointing news about the upcoming DVD (early '04 release, no Row Your Boat), but that didn't shake my positive vibe. I'd forgotten that all it took was some good music and a slice of dancefloor to make all my problems disappear, if only for a short while.

10/07/2003 - Later

I was just thinking that it's a damn shame Bill Hicks is already dead. I'd love to hear what he'd have to say at a time like this... California's most ridiculous hour. The Conan O'Briens of the world don't seem to have his flair for the truth, vulgar as it was. But then, perhaps this particular target is just too large, too easy, and it would be avoided by our beloved departed Mr. Hicks.

10/07/2003 - The Governator

It's as good as official... I am ashamed to be a Californian. Arnold Schwarzenegger is winning the election.

California is going to experience the electoral equivalent of getting piss drunk and waking up in the morning with a hangover and a poorly spelled tattoo.

Kill me now.

10/06/2003 - Illuminati

Had a good weekend. Spent Friday and half of Saturday with family, then Devin came over to hang out. Both Jade and I took turns kicking ass at Illuminati. We eventually came to the realization that, with three people, the Gnomes of Zurich are far too easy to play. Everyone is so worried about maintaining their piddly little power base that they never have enough combined force to truly hurt the Gnomes. So we chucked them out of the pile and Jade still won.

We also went to the 8 Tales showing of The Nightmare Before Christmas. The games included speed pumpkin carving and the ever popular "What Would You Do For a Random Prize?" I think my favorite was the guy who had to drop trou and sing "I'm a Little Teapot". What a sport.

10/02/2003 - New Car

Well, I finally broke down and bought a new car. It's been a long, painful road to this end and Jade is ready to strangle me if I talk about cars to her, so I'll talk about it here.

I originally was looking at the Scion xA, mostly because it was affordable and had some of the nifty options I was looking for. My desire for this car waned when I finally took it for a test drive. It has zero leg room and was slightly underpowered. Yes, it was 20 inches shorter than my Honda Civic, and parking in SF would have been a breeze, but I needed to be able to fit in the damn thing, right?

So I started broadening my search a bit, and tried to put the xA on the back burner. I wanted a sports wagon or a four-door hatchback. Something about two-doors bothers me. After reading some articles and keeping an eye on the road, I noticed the Mazda Protege5. Nice lines, big engine, sporty look and feel, plenty of leg room, with most of the features I was looking for. This was beginning to look promising.

I think the last straw was when I was driving up to SF and I saw, for the first time, an xA actually driving on the freeway. Up until then I had only seen them at dealers or online or in commercials. I followed this one through traffic for a bit... checking this angle and that... and came to the realization that it is a funny-looking pug car. No other way to put it.

Now I really had no impediment to buying something else, except cost. So I decided to say farewell to the xA and really research the next one on the list... the Protege5. Long story short, I went for a test drive and bought the damn thing that afternoon. It's silver and pretty and new and I love it.

I think I'm mostly happy about the fact that it's not another goddamn VW. Four of my friends have purchased VWs in the last six months, and I'm tired of hearing about them. Fuck, are VW owners annoying. They're like Mac owners... VW this and VW that... it's impossible to talk about anything even remotely related to cars without the "VWs are better than anything on the planet" statement coming out. How bloody elitist can you be about a fucking car?

Anyways, Jade has chosen to name the new car Uther, after King Arthur's self-important, lying, murderous, rapist father. I'm not sure about the connection, but I chose to labor under the delusion that it's because the car is all shiny silver on the outside (like a knight!), and black and cold on the inside. Lame, yes, but it works. I'm trying not to go any deeper than that.

Other than the car, things seem to be going as normal. I head to Stanford on Wednesday for a bone marrow test. Hopefully I can provide a match for my brother, or at least one of us siblings can. This would take a huge load off of our shoulders. Nick is progressing well with the chemo, which is going better than his doctor expected. I continue to meet with him occasionally to chat about anything and everything. I'm thrilled to have him in such proximity that I'm allowed to do so.

Of course, that leads me to Justin, whom I miss very much. I wish I could talk to him every day... I took that for granted before. He was (is?) my best friend and the one who understood me the most. *sigh* Being close to family is a great gift, until someone moves away and leaves a gaping hole in your life.

08/28/03

I'm rapidly coming to the conclusion that I need to have a purpose in life. No, wait... scratch that. Too fatalistic. A goal. I need a goal. Some direction in which to force myself, if merely for the blissful touch of self-motivation... something I haven't felt in years.

I saw American Splendor last weekend. Excellent film; salty, surreal, funny, and bordering on depressing. The timing was ironic, of course. I had been feeling like a useless lump for a couple weeks, and then I go to see a movie about a useless lump. Lovely. At least he found a productive outlet.

Speaking of productive. Site redesign is pretty much on hold. I look at computer screens all day; doing so at night is sick and wrong. I've got a couple ideas for projects that should keep me busy, but I should actually start them first, then talk about them. Speaking of plans that never reach fruition has become a hallmark of mine... a behaviour I desire to change.

Anyways, enough of the psycho-babble bullshit. My main purpose of posting is simply to say that I should be around here a little more often now, hopefully with something witty or interesting to impart. If past experience is any indication this is a dubious promise, but it's all I can give at the moment.

06/18/03

Well, it's been a long time since the last update. My apologies, but things around here have been stressful, to say the least. Here's an update on things...

My oldest brother, Nick, has, for several years, been experiencing strange muscle problems. His muscles, for no readily identifiable reason, spontaneously atrophy. He puffs up, and becomes very weak. Doctors have been scratching their heads over this for some time. His last episode was in March, and resulted in a whole new gamut of tests. The outcome was dissapointing... still nothing identifiable. Late last month, he began complaining of a persistent headache; he started seeing double; there was something seriously wrong. An MRI was performed.

The day before Jade and I were to see the Blue Man Group, three days after the MRI, Nick called to tell me that the MRI had revealed several large tumors behind his eyes. He told me he was heading into surgery the next morning to remove the one that was interfering with his optic nerve. It was a surreal conversation... I finally stopped asking stupid questions (How large? How many? When will everything be okay?), and let him get on with more phone calls. Then I cried.

My family has not been immune to cancer. My mother alone has had cancer twice. But my 33 year old brother? This did not compute. I went to Jade's once I pulled myself together. I knew she was exactly what I needed that moment. I knew I couldn't be alone.

It was impossible not to think about Nick all day the next day. While not technically brain surgery, he was going through about as close as it gets. I needed a diversion, and the Blue Man Group concert was welcomed in that capacity.

Actually, the concert was good enough to distract me from events elsewhere. Just before we got into the concert, I talked to my sister, and heard the surgery had gone very well, and Nick was awake and talking. That weight lifted, I settled into my chair and let the music wash me clean.

First up, Tracey Bonham. Eh... not my scene, but she can do amazing things with a violin. She had some pretty cool new stuff which Jade seemed to like.

Next up, Venus Hum. We had never heard of them, and weren't sure what to expect. The music starts a little blah... sort of plodding and atonal. The female singer starts babbling about the bells (the bells.. .the bells!!). Jade and I immediately peg her for a Björk, no, a Tori Amos wannabe. Then, the chorus starts. I'm thrown back in my seat by this woman's voice. It comes from nowhere and throttles me. The music rises to meet it and suddenly there's nothing else in the room. Just the music and her voice battering me senseless. The chorus ends, and I feel like a dried husk. I turn to Jade and she returns my look with the same slack-jawed look of amazement that must be on my face. I try telling Jade what I felt, but can't find the words. I have little time to recover, let alone form a coherent sentence, as the chorus comes once again.

So, long story short, Venus Hum brought the house down. While not the most imaginative lyrics or music, this chick's voice blew us all away. Jade bought the CD, and I'm sorry to say that she doesn't sound as good in the studio, but I do still listen to it. Some of the songs are frustratingly catchy.

BMG come on and they friggin' rock. Can't quite describe it any better than that. See them. They rock. 'Nuff said.

Anyways, the following morning I don't go in to work but instead meet with my father to go visit Nick at Stanford Med Center. We get there at 12:30, and are told that he'll be moved out of ICU at 1pm. So we wait. Nick eventually appears, rolling out of the ICU on his bed, his wife in tow. As we approach his room, his neurologist shows up. As we talk prognosis, the neurosurgeon shows up. Amazing, the attention these guys were giving Nick. It made me feel that much better about the care he was receiving. I spoke with Nick and joked around a bit. It was good to see him awake and his normal self.

We learned that the surgery was a complete success, and that tests were being performed to determine the type of cancer. We learned over the next two weeks that the cancer was multiple-myeloma which, fortunately, had not spread any further through his body than his head. Our worst fears were averted, but it's still a form of leukemia, requiring weeks of direct radiation, months of chemotherapy, and bone marrow therapy. This still isn't over.

I've handled all of this rather badly... a result of my own anti-social tendencies, I suppose. Nick and I never have gotten along as well as Justin and I. That certainly comes from the age gap and the time Nick spent away from us. Whatever the cause, we aren't as close as I've always wanted to be, and I haven't really made an effort. This whole thing has made me re-evaluate the wisdom of my decisions, and my conclusions have been painful. Hence, I'm not dealing with this well.

So, that's pretty much that. Fun, eh? The site redesign I've been planning has yet to make it to even the development stage at this point. I hope to get the basic design layed out in the next week or so, then begin programming in ernest shortly after. Plans so far include all the current content (slightly better organized), more content in the bands section, a forum, possibly a blog in place of the journal, and an overall sexier look and interface. Stay tuned.

5/06/03

Sitting here, listening to Stromkern (Live - DNA Lounge - April 7th 2002), and I realized that I hadn't posted an update in a while. Dunno if there's some sort of connection there, but it's apparently the way my brain works.

To be honest, there isn't much to mention. Jade bought tics for the Blue Man Group for later this month, so I'll post about that once I've seen it. Should be fun.

Oh yeah, I did complete my laptop... mostly. I decided to buy and configure a Desknote A929 partly because I don't really need a true laptop, partly because this was cheaper overall, and mostly because I get to put the thing together myself. So I slapped an AMD 2000+ XP, 256mb PC2700 RAM, and a Toshiba 40gig 5400rpm hdd into it and fired it up. A little tweeking, and the damn thing boots faster than my desktop now. It's a bit hefty, it runs a bit hot, but it is shweeeeet on the performance end. Now just need more RAM ;) Once I finish making it pretty (I did mention configuring it, didn't I?) I'll probably post a pic or two.

I'm also working on modding the ol' desktop. Nothing major, no glowing bits or liquid cooling, but just want to make it as quiet and eye-pleasing as possible without spending an arm and a leg and a lung. This will include hiding the drives and installing eject buttons elsewhere, possibly painting the floppy drive and/or the Live Drive... stuff like that. I'm utilizing Zalman products to get the thing to shut up, which is turning out to be perfectly adequate since I don't overclock. It purrs right now, and that's only after replacing the CPU HSU. The loudest thing in the box now is the GPU fan, but not for long...

(Note to family and other non-geeks: I apologize for the semi-technical nature of the above discussion. If you need, I can supply a phrase book.)

Other stuff... uh... hrm... that's it. I'm hungry. Dinner time. We'll chat later.

4/16/03

Heard this morning that Mark from Red Flag passed away. Gawdammit. Now I'm listening to their music and being all snively and wimpy. Dammit dammit dammit.

4/8/03

Ah... the ringing has finally stopped. It only took a couple days, but my ears appear to be 100% functional again. Well, okay, so they haven't been 100% functional since I quit DJing, but that's not the point... they're better now than they have been in the past couple days. Why? Read on...

Sunday night was the Assemblage 23 concert in the City. Jade and I spent most of Sunday waiting around for Jot to arrive, but it turned out his car had other ideas, so we agreed to wait at the club. As Jade and I prepared to go, I made the executive decision not to bring my wallet... just my ATM and credit card, ID, and some cash. I hate dancing and having that thing bumping against my leg all night. So, load up the pockets, and we head out. Due to the fact that we weren't expecting anyone to spend the night, and we knew we'd be at the concert late, I decided to drive. No biggee... I figured it shouldn't be terribly difficult to find parking at 3am when we expected to return.

Find parking about a block away from the venue. Lock up, and head on over to the club. We meet up with Colleen and Gary in line... hang out and chat for a bit. It becomes apparent that the doors will not be opened at 8pm as specified on several online sources. By 8:30, we're fairly certain we were either lied to, or the club forgot to set their clocks forward. In either case, no big deal... it's just a bit cold. Cold enough to make me hop up and down and put my hands in my pockets... which leads me to a disturbing discovery... I can't feel or hear my keys. Cursing, I search my pockets... all eleven of them... nothing.

A quick jog to the car reveals my keys dangling happily from the ignition in the jaunty way that screams "STEAL ME!!!" in a city such as this, in an area such as this, with a car exactly like this. More curses. I reach for my phone to call AAA when I realize the second largest mistake I've made in the past 2 hours... I have left my wallet at Jade's place. Concealed within it's caressing folds is my AAA card, without which I can't hope to have the door opened for less than $80. Even more curses. Loud ones.

Long story short (too late), I called Jot and confirmed that, yes, he does have his AAA card and, yes, he will be there soon and, yes, I am an idiot. This confirmed I kiss Jade and send her into the club with some money for a ticket and a shirt. Jot rides into town like the Lone Ranger, whips out his AAA card, and within 45 minutes we're passing through security to get into the club.

I've never been to Studio Z before, so I'm not entirely sure what to expect. Apparently, what I'm not sure to expect falls short of what I expected... the place is essentially a brick room with a couple shifty bars, an off-limits mezzanine for the artists, a rickety looking port-o-stage (complete with ugly throw carpet to cover the non-black bit), and an ATM that charges $3 on top of whatever your bank rapes you for (talk about getting it from both ends). DNA Lounge, this ain't. At least the drinks are decent.

Jot and I appear to have been fortunate, as the first group up, Aesthetic Perfection, is near wrapping up as we enter and buy our t-shirts. Reports from all fronts confirm that, as a member of Aesthetic Perfection had predicted on the A23 forum a couple weeks ago, they blow. Up next is State of the Union, who have banners hung next to the stage that remind me vividly of VNV's logo... hmm...

Survive SotU. Not bad, but nothing I'd listen to in the car (a true test of any group). We do the hokey-pokey to pass the time. Jade laments into my ear that she wishes she'd brought clothes pins, and I know the evening is lost.

Next up is the Azoic (or the ah-zoyk, as Jade pronounces it)... I dance because I'm getting bored. The music is cool, so Jot and I both purchase a CD out of pity and the hope that the female lead singer actually sings on key when she's in a studio (she doesn't, dammit). Wish Vince was here so he could see them. He'd think the lead was cute.

Tom and co. finally hit the stage... it's about 1am, and the crowd is still so cool you could serve gelato off the collective attitude. A couple problems with the sound (ie: there was none) let the crowd cool to super-conductive temperatures, and then we're off. Tom sounds great, the music is awesome, and about six of us are dancing. The rest of the crowd nods appreciatively to the beat. Wankers. Why do you pay so much money and get all dressed up and get your lazy gawth asses out of the house for a period longer than that required to visit the local Starbucks just to stand and sip your vodka and RedBull and stare at a man jumping up and down on stage? Why bother? Stay home, listen to the CD, and look at the numerous live photos online if you want that experience. Hell, the drinks are cheaper.

Anyway, Tom's voice is actually better this time than last year at Synthpop Goes The World. We're right up front, at times close enough to hear Tom's voice over his amplified voice. He focuses a lot of energy in our direction, since we're the one small part of the crowd actually reacting to the music and lyrics. One guy dancing next to Jade and I knows all the lyrics to all the songs, and appears to have been practicing his symbolic hand motions for this very moment. I exchange smirks with the woman next to him, and keep on dancing.

I can't remember the tracklist, so don't ask. Some surprises were Horizon, Light, and Drive. I simply didn't expect them to be played. I wish he had played Cocoon, only because it's perhaps my favorite song on the album. They play until after 2am, including the very impromptu encore (after half the club had emptied). By this time, I'm exhausted, and ready for sleep. As we stagger out of the venue, we discover the night's entertainment is yet to be over.

There's this short guy, who I recognize as being a very enthusiastic supporter of the ah-zoyk, screaming at the bouncer, "Call the fuckin' cops! Call the fuckin' cops! Go ahead! Call the fuckin' cops!" Over and over and over... non-friggin-stop. I giggle quietly as our group congregates for farewell hugs, which degenerates into a brief discussion about the merits of "Call the fucking' cops!" as a sample with Industrial/EBM applications. Several variations are vocalized, layered, and mixed by Colleen, Gary, and myself, much to the amusement of standers by. Eventually, the short guy realizes he's not winning this battle, and leaves the scene, cursing loudly, under a showering of laughter from the crowd. We exhaust the sampling potentials of the phrase, give hugs all around, then go our separate ways. Jade and I stop by a little Crepes a-Go-Go stand set up nearby for a snack, then it's off to her place for bed and much needed rest.

3/25/03

San Francisco is crazy. Literally schizophrenic. Manic.

Went to the Erasure concert on Friday with Jade, Nick, and Isaac. Not as spectacular as the Chorus tour, but still a gaggle of hoots. Andy walks out in a Victorian gown, winds up a Victrola, and the music starts. They played the old favorites; Oh L'amour, Chains of Love, Blue Savannah, etc... while Andy gradually lost clothing until he was dancing about in nothing more than a pair of leather jocky underwear and high heels. The crowd screamed and danced and clapped and sang... and Erasure made CNN and the world disappear for a time.

Included in the setlist were new tracks off the latest album; Solsbury Hill, Come Up And See Me, and others. Nothing better than singing along with 4000 other idiots to You've Lost That Lovin' Feeling. Ah, yes... a Top Gun moment at an Erasure concert. How... bizarre.

We scrambled for the door after the final song, and were immediately reminded of what we'd been able to ignore for a short while... riot police were lining up, batons in hand, to go after a group of protesters down on Market while police and news helicopters hovered overhead. The juxtaposition was like a jab to the kidneys... it was difficult to not feel guilty for having a good time.

We regrouped, and took a short walk to Frjts for a snack, then up to Mo and Isaac's. We had a quick visit with Monica as she hung up her new blue drapes in the sunroom... I'm not sure why she was hanging them, as the view of downtown from that room is stunning. I hope it's for some temporary purpose. Anyways, we chatted a bit, then Jade and I got a ride from Isaac back to Jade's place.

The next morning I had to go to Thomas Cook to get some Euros for an eBay purchase. This meant another jaunt downtown to Union Square. Hop on Muni, and we're there. Pretty tense atmosphere. The square itself is blocked off and cops in riot gear are on every corner. Fortunately some businesses are trying to act normal and are actually open for business. I get raped by TC for 35 Euros ($47!!), then we have lunch on Market. I can't help noticing the officers on horseback (Horses? Where the hell do they keep horses in this city?), the lines of police cars, the minivans carrying masked policemen who stare out the open door, assault rifles at the ready... enjoying lunch is certainly out of the question. We finish eating and head back to Jade's.

The rest of the weekend is spent blissfully unaware of events beyond Jade's front door. We waste some time watching the Sci-Fi channel's Children of Dune production... not bad. The acting is stiff, the costumes are laughable, the script is woefully dumbed down to the lowest common denominator, but still rather enjoyable. One minor annoyance is the shorter version of the Litany Against Fear, but I'm a purist (dammit) so I'll just have to live with it.

I keep thinking about Justin and his adventure (as I like to call it). I wish I could talk to him. I go home after work and it's dead quiet. I eat dinner alone or with the TV on, and I'm just as restless either way. I never realized how much I'd miss him... any previous conjecture on my part has fallen far short of the reality. I just hope he isn't feeling the same way. His potential for loneliness far exceeds my own.

Take care, Chester.

3/10/03

Okay. Finally got some time to do this update. I'm over the frustration of losing the last one, and I'm writing this in Notepad, so no more losing things in a timed-out cache.

So... last Saturday. Jot and his new grrl, Colleen, come down in the afternoon to hang out and spend the evening/night. Colleen's cool, and we all get along fine, chatting about too many things to mention here. Vince shows up eventually, and we all head out for dinner. After wandering about the Filmore for some time (dammit, why is Harry's always crowded with yups?), we stop at a Thai place. Good eats. After that, it's back to Jade's and a game of Killer Bunnies. Colleen wins.

Next morning, brunch. Jade makes this awesome salmon/dill/cream cheese shmear that should be illegal. Served on toasted bagels with some pan-fried potatoes, fruit salad, and mimosas, brunch is staggeringly good. And I mean staggering. Oof.

The decision is made to go visit Stormy Leather and try on corsets (the ladies, not the gents). Vince decides he won't be going with us to the store or the concert, and opts to head down south to hang out with Tracy. Just as well. We spend about an hour or so looking/drooling over the wares. Jade tries on a couple designs, and sets her mind on the Ophelia Corset. Rrrrrroooawr. A glimpse at the price tag scares us off, so we head back up to Jade's. Dinner is had at La Mediterranee and it's time to get ready for club. Devin shows up at the 11th hour, and we're off.

The concert rocks. We arrive about 15 minutes early, and Tom and Lou meet us in line. Head to the merch table immediately... we had heard t-shirts were very limited (and this turned out to be true). Eric shows up and begins to put labels on CD-Rs. Eventually convince him to sell me two t-shirts (which read "You've Ruined Christmas!" on the back. Don't ask me why.) and two CDs ("Yes, I've got exact change!"). Jade puts her shirt on, and the music begins. Control Theory up first. Not bad, although why is it that the majority of local acts I've heard find it necessary to ignore the quality of vocals? Why is distortion such a requirement? They leave the stage and I feel slightly relieved. Or maybe that was the Long Island?

See Colin Slash comes on stage shortly afterward for their first set of the evening. Start off with "Headhunter 1969", their acoustic cover of Front 242s "Headhunter", and one of their most popular covers. Great to finally hear this live, and it gets even better... they perform renditions of Beborn Beton (Another World), Apoptygma Berserk (Non-stop Violence), Haujobb (Eye Over You), Covenant (Dead Stars) and Stromkern (Night Riders). I'm left exhausted and hoarse, with even more to come.

Black Snake Moan. I've nothing to say here. The name says it all.

See Colin Slash come back on for their second and final set... dressed as Alvin, Simon, and Theodore. Scary. They play a great set, mostly their own material, but including covers such as TMBG's "Meet James Ensor". This is also the first time I've heard "You Make Me Feel Like Morrissey". It has since become one of my favorites.

So I make it through the concert... barely. Jade faired slightly less than I, coming away with a bruised toe (goths do love their Docs). The next day my voice is gone, I've got a de-hydration headache, and I just want to curl up and sleep. It takes about two days for me to fully recover. But it was worth it.

So, that's it. It was a great show, a great weekend, and a long recovery. Farewell to See Colin Slash. You'll be missed guys. We'll see you in other incarnations, but none, I think, so memorable as that which penned "Goths on Monster Island".

3/3/03 - 9:33 pm

Grrr... mental note. Never write long updates whilst online.

Just wrote a very lengthy update, pressed save, and it disappeared. Damnit damnit damnit. I'll try to re-write it later. I'm too pissed right now.

3/3/03 - 11:26 am

Blarg. Slightly hung-over. Ears ringing. Only a little dizzy. And I'm at work. Blarg. Great show, though. More later...

2/28/03

Still at work. Ugh. I'll be giving the old place one last once over tonight after work, then it's into the City for the weekend. Jot and his new girl are coming down tomorrow to hang out, and Vince and Tracey will probably join us for dinner... or something. Should be fun.

On Sunday we go to see the absolutely last ever farewell see colin slash show at DNA. Hope I can score a t-shirt. Tom and Lou are also coming down for that. Here's to getting drunk on Sunday nights and going to work the next day! *clink*

Okay... back to work.

2/27/03

This is the first diary entry. I'll most likely split this up into rants and diary, but for now it's a place for thoughts.

Nick was admitted to the hospital yesterday. Another relapse, but apparently worse than anything before. The largest problem is the pain... so much pain. They are doing the muscle biopsy today, so hopefully something is discovered. It will take two weeks for results. Why so damn long? It's going to be an excrutiating two weeks, and, when all is said and done, we may know nothing after those two weeks. I guess we've been waiting for three years for this moment... just a hint of the possibility of discovering what's wrong... we can wait two weeks. But we sure as hell don't have to like it.

Work is killing me... I feel my soul being sucked out through my eyes. I need a vacation; a very lengthy vacation. I've got over 200 hours of time available, and no money to spend on something cool and exciting. Drat drat drat. Poor me.